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Welcome to Conversations with Myself

Featured Bethany RoseLeave a comment

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken”. -Oscar Wilde

I wanted to start this blog for a while now but didn’t know where to start, but I guess I’ll start from the beginning.

My name is Bethany and I’m 27 years old, I’ve had anxiety noticeably since I was 8 & panic attacks since I was 10. Because I didn’t know what I was experiencing I couldn’t get the help I needed which inevitably lead to further problems. By the time I was 21, I had began to develop OCD tendencies. I know people tend to jump to cleanliness when OCD is mentioned, but that’s not always the case. For me at that time in my life it meant that I could only wear certain clothes on certain days & had ‘routines‘ I had to do to in order to avoid getting a panic attack. By 22 I had to follow specific routines which took over my life. I started to get better & face my fears, but while I did make progress I also took steps back. Whenever I took a bad panic attack I would go back to square one. I didn’t have the help I needed

Roll on to April 2019 & I had one of my worst panic attacks ever, causing me to spiral downwards going back into doing my ‘routines‘ to calm myself. Which again took over my life & lead me to depression.

I can now say that I’m in treatment, I’m taking antidepressants & I’m in CBT face-to-face appointments with a strong support network behind me. I am hoping this is the start of my recovery so I can live my life again.

This blog is my story…….

Lost in Life or Lost in Me

Bethany RoseLeave a comment

Last week I posted about being lost in life, I spoke about how I didn’t know where I am going but after a week of reflection I’d say it’s deeper than that.

I don’t know who I am.

It’s sort of like I’ve lost my identity. There are stories out there where people have spoken about how anxiety and depression can take over your life, that they can take away everything about you. You lose yourself. I guess I’m discovering I’ve lost me through dealing with them both.

Recent politics haven’t helped. I’m British, enough said there really. This week the dreaded Brexit Day happened, I’ve always seen myself as British and European. While I know leaving the EU doesn’t change that it feels like it does. I’ve never saw myself as English, despite being born there, I would say I’m British but if the Union breaks up I lose that part of me to (yes I’m worrying about something that might not happen, but that’s the joys of anxiety). I guess if that happens I’m Northumbrian. I guess what I’m trying to say is I don’t know me anymore, which is a strange thing ti say since I am me.

I guess there’s more to feeling lost in life then just not knowing which direction I’m going. There’s much more to it, there’s many layers which I’m only just starting to unravel.

Maybe if I do some more digging, I might be able to find me. If I can maybe I can be me once again someday and start to be happy. I miss being happy.

Feeling Lost

Bethany RoseLeave a comment

I’ve been feeling down a lot recently, often finding that I have no motivation, no energy and no drive. It’s like I’m stuck, like I’m in a cycle of sleep, get ready for work, go to work, come back from work and go back to sleep.

I’ve found myself thinking “is this it, is this life now” by that I mean, am I supposed to remain in this dull cycle until I retire. Even then the way Britain is going, I don’t think I’ll reach retirment or if I do it’ll be after I’m 70 and there’s not a lot you can do then.

I know I’m not happy at the moment, I don’t really laugh or enjoy anything but that’s depression for you it keeps you beaten down.

I don’t want to be down anymore, but I can’t think of how to get past this blip (if it is that) and move forward.

I’ve never really had an idea of where I was going in life, no definite goal. At school it was just, pick your GCSEs, pick your A-Levels, apply for University then get a job. I didn’t know what job. The teachers just said pick a degree you like and you’ll probably get a job you like. What they don’t tell you is how hard it is to get a job, or how hard it is to get a job in the area your degree is in, or what to do if you enjoyed your degree but the jobs in that sector aren’t for you.

I’ve never had to really think about where I’m going, what’s the overall goal. It was just get your education then a job, well now I have a job but what’s next. It’s a weird feeling to describe, it’s just nothingness. An empty feeling, robotic even.

What am I meant to do from here?